it might go something like this…
“The New Literary King”
by Avery “the Angry” Blueblood,
November 17, 2006
The Reign of Richard Powers (RP) has officially begun.
With his National Book Award win for his novel The Echo Maker, RP has ascended to the Literature Throne.
All that fancy book-flipping and time-traveling couldn’t stop the machine that is RP. As in: R.I.P. Mark Z. Danielewski! Your only consolation is that you were nominated.
As for the rest of the competition…
…Jess Walters got a big fat zero.
…Ken Kalfus has a disorder peculiar to losers.
…Dana Spiotta can eat her own document.
Powers got his Word on and didn’t give it up. Now there isn’t anyone who can say they’ve written the novel better this year. It takes strong-plotting, character-driving, deep-meaning, and oh-so-careful-wording.
Not necessarily inventive word-play, dear reader. Take note all you young writers: just because you use fancy words in fancy ways, it doesn’t mean you’ve got anything behind it…like, say…oh…a STORY…with DEPTH…that means something! Ya hear?
Or in the words of The Powers That Be himself: “It’s been a long-time coming. Hey, I didn’t start writing yesterday, you know. This is my ninth book…I thank God Himself for all my talents and blessings. I just sit down at my desk and do what I do best. At the end of the day, all you can do is put one word after the other. But no one is doing it better than me right here right now, as this award shows it for everyone to see. I said it before and I’ll say it again: You never know when RP is going to go all the way. When RP turns it on, everybody else is left behind in my trail of ink. Read it and weep!”
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
So people, just sit back, relax, take up The Echo Maker, and bask in King Richard’s Powers.