Showing that it is never too early to start making your kid insecure and success-obsessed, the New York Times brings you tutoring for pre-school admission tests.
Test preparation has long been a big business catering to students taking SATs and admissions exams for law, medical and other graduate schools. But the new clientele is quite a bit younger: 3- and 4-year-olds whose parents hope that a little assistance — costing upward of $1,000 for several sessions — will help them win coveted spots in the city’s gifted and talented public kindergarten classes.
Helicopter Parents of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your child’s place in a gifted program. So sign up your toddlers for tutoring NOW! Because if they don’t get into a Gifted Pre-school Program (that offers Chinese Mandarin Immersion of course), they won’t be able to get into a Gifted Kindergarten Program, which means they won’t be able to get into a Gifted Elementary School Program, and on and on up through a poor high school with bad SAT and ACT scores, and then no Ivy League University for Junior.
And we know what happens to kids who don’t get into an Ivy League University: they end up working McJobs, living in run-down apartments, sitting on the couch smoking pot watching movies from Netflix during all their free time, dude.