Apparently, when it comes to wiping our own butts after defecating, men born in the U.S.A. are severely lacking in skills. This is not a scientific observation based on carefully collected data that includes a control group, broken down by race, gender, income levels, age, ethnicity, and metrosexualness.
No, this observation comes from Mistress Matisse, someone who has a lot of experience in dealing with butts of many kinds (link courtesy of Erosblog). And, uh, no, I’m not about to pick a fight with a Dominatrix. She says,
Yes, if you want me to play with your ass, you should definitely clean it up. (I cannot tell you how many boys I have seen over the years who did not even wipe themselves properly. I’m serious. I think little boys do not get trained about wiping themselves as much as little girls do, or something.
Here’s how you do it, gentlemen. While you are still sitting, wipe, and then look at the toilet paper. Is it dirty? Drop it, get a fresh handful and wipe again. Repeat this until the paper shows no smudges. Is that clear? The while you’re sitting part is important because it means your ass is more spread open and thus easier to clean.)
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In reaction to the Mistress’ advice, Erosblog has a long discussion on the techniques for reaching around to wipe your own butt properly. With all due respect to the many thoughtful people who commented, I have to say that this is the wrong approach to solve this problem.
The solution is not a better wiping technique. Oh, no. This is the U.S.A. Wherever there is a defined need, there is an opportunity for money to be made.
The way I see it, there are two approaches:
A) Finally, the bidet, that handy item used throughout Europe and other parts of the world, will become as ubiquitous in U.S. bathrooms as the toilet and the sink. This would be a boon to bidet-makers and plumbers. This is the one most reasonable people who have pondered this problem for too long might think best to implement.
B) A specialty product, promoted in infomercials by the likes of Ron Popeil or Billy Mays (may he rest in peace), designed with the latest pseudoscience specifically to clean men’s undersides. Come to think of it, those two guys are far too classy for something as dirty as cleaning men’s butts. I see Vince Shlomi, the ShamWow! Guy, being brought back to sell a new kind of disposable wipe called “AssWow!” that “scrubs more fecal matter off butts than toilet paper or baby wipes! You’ll spend 20 bucks a month on toilet paper. With one AssWow for $9.95, you’ll have the cleanest crack around. Toilet paper is money down the toilet. Who wants a dirty ass, let alone kiss one? No one! So if you call right now you’ll get not one, not two, but three AssWows!…”
I’m going with B as the solution that will eventually present itself.
P.S. You ask, “Rich, how did you ever come across such a lively blog discussion about such an odd topic?” And I answer, “As a writer I have a broad interest in the human condition, so I read a wide range of blogs. For the complete salacious details of the how and why, you’ll have to wait until I write my tell-all memoir for fun and profit.”