As I enjoy my last year before I officially enter my Forties and henceforth start riding the downward spiral towards death that apparently is inevitable once you turn 40, I got to thinking about some of things I’d like to do before I die. I also got to thinking about some of the things I have no interest in doing before I die.
Here are five things that will not be on my Bucket List should I ever get around to making such a list.
5) Trek to the North Pole. Why in God’s name would anyone want to walk or sled all the way to the North Pole? No one lives there. It’s brutally cold. What kind of souvenir is there to get from there? A picture of me standing in a bunch of snow and ice? I can go outside and take that picture right now, but without spending weeks risking my life, fighting frostbite, and taking a dumps outside in sub-zero temperatures.
4) Climb Mt. Everest. Though I’m not afraid of heights, I’m not into mountain climbing. Yes, it’s a tall mountain. It’s also cold and dangerous up there. The air is so thin at that height that helicopters can’t even get enough lift to fly up there. Besides, if the place was as desirable and beautiful and amazing as people claim, there’d be a resort and spa at the top of the mountain with a cable car to ferry people to and from the place. There isn’t. Which tells you all you need to know.
3) Write a Memoir. I already write a blog and I’m on Facebook. There’s quite enough public knowledge about me and none of it is Tabloid Worthy, which is what you have to have in order to write and publish a memoir.
2) Get a Tattoo. I had once thought for a month or two about getting a tattoo. But then I realized at the time that I was over 30. Getting your first tattoo and being over the age of 30 is a sign of a Mid-Life Crisis. No, thank you. Not to mention that after 30 years they all look like a black and blue amorphous blob on your old sagging skin.
1) Run a Marathon. I like running. But like everything related to exercising, as a stay-at-home parent, I don’t have time to do it. Even if I did, I would not train for a marathon. Some people while running marathons lose control of their bowels. Not pretty. And, as my wife often points out, the Greek messenger who first ran what became known as the marathon died when he completed it…I do leave the door open to running a half-marathon.